Its a self-diagnosis and bit of professional diagnosis. I suffer from Complex Post traumatic stress syndrome having gone through childhood trauma. And then there's nice guy syndrome, borderline personality, and maybe more. The point is that I've worked at being 'good & nice' so that then everything will be all-right. So got good grades in college, worked hard to make a marriage work, my kids love me, build a good happy family life with the white picket fences, station wagon, and the dog. It still doesn't feel good on the inside. Cuz, I've been fixing things and people without considering the most important person in the whole story. ME. This may sound selfish and self-centered. But hear me out. I have spend the better part of my life fixing things. And they are pretty much fixed. So how is it that I feel shitty, empty and unfulfilled? Bcuz, I started the wrong way. I started Outside In. And the right way is INSIDE OUT. I've to focus on my needs, desires and that would involve struggles too. It ain't about going out and lifes a party kind of living. It's more closer to what energizes me and at the same time is just outside my comfort zone. For example, I've been so busy gazing and working away at the computer, researching, designing , building away to make money and fortune. All of which are good and have their place. The wake up call is, that when I finally looked up and away having got all the financials taken care off. I realize that life has been passing by and QUICKLY. I've bought into a narrative that doesn't serve me and doesn't add happiness to my existence. So, I'm going to eat the humble pie and have started to pull away from the computer and live more in the real world. I won't live life lop-sided, only early more money to feel worthy and have my self-esteem along with my self-worth go up and down on a roller-coaster with my profts and losss statement. I'm getting out more and the interactions are getting better and Real. I already have a routine, fine-tuning it to add more fulfilling things that I love doing. Taking on more work, but more focused on the process and not rushing to some goldpot at the end.

Good related video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pvgfucVF5cU It seems I have caused a lot of mental anguish and stress for myself due to unrealistically high standards imposed from Narcissistic parenting. This manifests in many of the ways Dan talks about as far as these symptoms of spreading oneself too thin, making myself very busy, etc. It plagued my sex/romantic life as well, as far as the last relationships go, I would be broadly unenthused about the women and subconsciously pushed away, even though they were good people and partners, because I was only very mildly attracted to them physically. The practical makes sense as far as cutting tasks, etc. But it seems as far as my emotional reactions, both neurotic stress as well as ennui and anhedonia, comes from lingering ridiculous standards for my future. At some fundamental level, emotionally, I seem to get a sense of despair when considering the fact that: 1) I'm a research mathematician, and just an OK one at that, and it is to be expected that my income will be modest and job security tenuous 2) I'm an OK musician, and it is to be expected that busking and open mics are where I should aim to perform, experience says trying to perform at popular venues or release music online is a waste of everyone's time. The healthy and mature Stoic perspective would be to dedicate my life towards enjoying math and music in their own right. Certainly working in dedicated practice to improve, but without "swinging for the fences" and with modest targets and contentment with relative obscurity. Emotionally there is a lot of internal resistance to this. Is there some mindset aspect, psychological exercise, or even theme of psychotherapeutic intervention that could fix this? Or is this a matter of just becoming more disciplined in general as well as more specifically with meditation and spiritual and gratitude practices, and over time this greedy ambition will dissipate, and I am being perfectionist about recovery :) ?

The primary reason to stop is long term health, namely, that smoking anything is bad for you and living to say 80 versus 75 with a few more years of active mobility would be good. But that's really abstract! And the world is really uncertain, who knows where I'll be, or even how the world will look like in 30-40 years, with the current terminal decline of western civilization. So it's difficult to convince myself to stop. There's identity, I'd like to think of myself as a disciplined hard-working person rather than a pothead, but the pull of that quickly dissipates. Then every other problem I can consider I am not certain it's a problem... Mental health? Actually I seem to get less agitated and prone to anger, and broadly less wound up and uptight when I smoke regularly, for whatever reason Productivity? Unclear...it also helps me "tolerate" errands more, and gives me a second wind in the evening to get more done So I don't know. I keep trying to quit and relapsing and it seems there is a lack of appropriate motivation for being so forward thinking. Thoughts and suggestions?

I'm crying lastnight because I feel not good enough. It's been like that the last few days and I don't know what happened or what made me sad. I can see all of the bad in the world and the bad in people and I can feel all the fear in me and the sadness and hopelessness to be anything else but the shit i was born as. Even though I've been trying for so long. For two days I started saying things like, why am I bothering trying to be good enough, when I'm not good enough. And 'I'm going to die one day and no one will even care or notice that I was here'. Which makes me think it might be because I only have two children and they're not in my life and I don't have a partner. Not that I want a partner. I've found partners to be transactional and conditional, I just want to be good enough so that my kids will want to spend time with me and then one day they will have a family and they will want to be in my life too. But today it's the opposite to that. I'm an unimportant afterthought in the background somewhere. Thought of if I'm needed. And then used for the purpose. I've seen no pictures of me. No one knows I'm here. No one will ever know I was here.

Hey guys, the video, audio and chat box recordings are now available in the Dropbox folder for yesterday's session. Password has been emailed to you. Big thanks to @Donelle McKinley for allowing us to explore the apparent conflict between Integrity and Relationships - particularly the sense that you must trade off your freedom to have someone else in your life. Extra resources that back up our discussion: - The Building Rapport course is the most relevant to today's discussion. - Feeling trapped? - https://theinspirationallifestyle.com/feeling-trapped-more-freedom/ - Push them away with honesty - https://theinspirationallifestyle.com/seduction-technique-honesty/ NEXT CALL TIME: - Europe: Tues 5th Nov, 7pm UK time (8pm CET) - USA: Tues 5th Nov, 11am PST (2pm EST) - Oceania: Wed 6th Nov, 8am NZ time (Wed 6th Nov, 6am Sydney time) Message or email me if you won't make it and want questions answered, and let me know if you're keen for the hot seat (next is Hemi). Zoom link: https://us02web.zoom.us/j/82202610772