I went to see a shaman and he started laughing (this is a true story not in my head)when I asked what was so funny he told me I was so far out of my body it was like I was a balloon attached by a string. We sat down and he did a big grounding meditation with me, at the end he told me to stand and walk across the room. I was a bit bewildered by why I should need to do this but did it . . FUCK MY OLD BOOTS it felt like my feet were made of lead. Both Ben (shaman) and my partner Rob were laughing till nearly crying as I asked "Is this what normal people feel like all the time!?" the answer was a definite 'Yes'. Since then I did many grounding meditations, but then I stopped as my head got a bit chaotic (yes, yes the irony is not escaping me on that one). I am so glad to be here as I know I need to get myself back down again as I'm off to see Ben (shaman) soon and as much as seeing him laugh is wonderful, lets make it about something else!!!

Hey fellow fabulous fuck-faces. Happy Friday. I just felt compelled to reach out for connection in this way, I suppose. My heart is so fucking heavy right now as we’re navigating ongoing social media threats of violence to my kids’ schools this week. I’m finding it hard to focus on anything else. Mind-spinning with worry. Disconnected from my self-care when I need it most. I’m going to set an intention to connect to my breathing and invest in meditating throughout the weekend. I’m going to invite my teenagers to join me. We are going to breathe and regulate and access our inner peace and let these fucking fucks flow because the tension simmering within us right now is too much. Sending love to all of you as you’re dealing with your own versions of daily stressors and tensions and anxieties. Also I’m very much a lone world in life and I think I feel it most when my heart is the heaviest. And this community really does mean something to me. Really grateful to be amongst you all here. Namaste 😣 🧘✨❤️🦋

Do you see number combinations repeatedly, like 1111? These are often referred to as angel numbers and many believe they are signs from God, your angels, the universe , or whatever you may believe. They are said to have different meanings depending on what that number may be. What is yours? Mine is 919. I see this number pretty much daily, multiple times a day. Meanings I have found (paraphrasing here) endings and new beginnings, you are right where you need to be. Trust your path. Don’t we hear Yogi B say this often? Stop fucking overthinking it. You’re right where you need to be. Dude, I think I get it now! 🤣I’m a chronically overthinking basket case, but I really do get it now. To add to the 🤦🏽‍♀️ of this particular number, it’s my birth date 🤣. Someone has a brilliant fucking sense of humor! It only took me 51 long years (in about an hour) to get it. Sometimes painful, sometimes fucking amazing, sometimes a little of both at the same time. Just be grateful for this moment and fucking breathe!

So I'm on day 18, just about to do our meditation (my partner always does them with me, he LOVES meditating and this is just a sprink of extra for him!). I woke up with the usual sink hole feeling in my chest, took 2 deep breaths and BOOM, gone! Rob (partner type) told me I would feel the benefits, he told me ageeeeees ago I should make it a go to in the day to help with the mad monkeys in my head. Did I listen? Noooooooooo. Did I have alllllllll the excuses? Oh hell yes! Here are some of my top hits on the excuses I gave: Too busy Got things to do Cant sit still Head too busy I'm getting frustrated I don't get the breath bit (oh how this YB stuff made me laugh at myself on that one) The thoughts don't go away like they do for you Rob . . Don't get me wrong I did psuedo try but normally just ended up drinking a coffee and watching the steam with 1 zillion thoughts racing round my brain. NB have since given up coffee it really does not help with that sinking feeling, IGNORE THE INTERNET IT LIES. Coffee gave me a 2 hr bliss high then slumped me on the roadside like an unwanted hostage leaving me feeling like the sky was falling in. Also found out that I wasn't drinking enough water which ALSO can give you the ol' sadness side effect . . interesting find yesterday. Anyway, day 18 the feelings are getting less. The realisation my body is addicted to cortisol is a big one and now, incrementally I am becoming what I wanted to be ie internally calmer, able to realise when the monkeys in my head have started bouncing around with their neg talk. and instead of looking for MORE things to stress about turning it around to look at things to appreciate, which has been an immense help. SO to end my litany . . meditation for the win. England is now that little bit (I'm 5ft 1") happier, that little bit calmer, that little bit more aware of changing the negative chatter to appreciation. Thank you of course to Yogi B. and also to you all my tribe, my wonderful honest tribe.

I had to stop this time. I can’t think of a safe place. The one I had before when I did this meditation using the app just made me feel so incredibly sad. Then I tried searching my mind for another one and couldn’t. It’s like every door I opened to a place or memory just disappeared when I opened the door to look at it. What the hell do I do now?