Feeling helpless. Again · Brojo: The Integrity Army

Feeling helpless. Again

I'm crying lastnight because I feel not good enough. It's been like that the last few days and I don't know what happened or what made me sad. I can see all of the bad in the world and the bad in people and I can feel all the fear in me and the sadness and hopelessness to be anything else but the shit i was born as. Even though I've been trying for so long. For two days I started saying things like, why am I bothering trying to be good enough, when I'm not good enough. And 'I'm going to die one day and no one will even care or notice that I was here'. Which makes me think it might be because I only have two children and they're not in my life and I don't have a partner. Not that I want a partner. I've found partners to be transactional and conditional, I just want to be good enough so that my kids will want to spend time with me and then one day they will have a family and they will want to be in my life too. But today it's the opposite to that. I'm an unimportant afterthought in the background somewhere. Thought of if I'm needed. And then used for the purpose. I've seen no pictures of me. No one knows I'm here. No one will ever know I was here.

8 comments