Who's going to villa park this weekend? I remember last year I walked in on my own absolutely shitting it. I knew no one in that room. Luckily I got chatting and was able to join a group for the day which I am so grateful for. If you're coming this weekend and are in the same position, please come and find me and say hi. Message me or what ever. Don't let anxiety talk you out of what will be an amazingly constructive day.

Ok so major one for me. On Sunday I sat in the car with my wife in a garden centre car park. The words leave her mouth 'im' worried about you'. Instant feeling that I'm letting her down. I'm supposed to be the strong provider and protector right? Truth of the matter is, and this is hard for me to say, I have been struggling with my mental health for the past 3 months. My self confidence is at an all time low. My negative self talk has taken over and I'm in a hole. So why am I posting this? Well number 1, because the more I say it, the more it makes it real and I can't hide from it. And number 2, because tomorrow is my first appointment of therapy. I'm shitting it. I've done therapy before, but I need to be honest. I want to be happy inside and feel confident in the person I am. At 38 years old I need to find who I am and accept myself and stop hating myself. Time to stop avoiding and time to face facts.

Thought I'd introduce myself. I turned 50 last week and since the start of the year have been struggling with that prospect. At the same time my marriage has hit a rocky patch so things have happened in spades. Been a member here since May 24 and dipped in and out. Have now actually took action and currently half way through the 5 day challenge which is truly amazing. I'm so positive about the future.

On Saturday, I take my oldest daughter to university as she embarks on the next stage of her journey. But god damn, where has time gone? My two oldest are 17 and 19. They’re building their own lives, making their own decisions now. And I’m proud of them, but... I desperately miss them. I don’t see them as much and often ask myself, What have I done wrong? I know I’ve done nothing wrong, this is just what happens at this age. They’re balancing time between their mum’s house and mine, friends, partners and work. Maybe I wouldn’t feel as bad if I lived with them every day. On the other hand, I have a 3- and 7-year-old who keeps me young and still wants daddies attention, because they still need me. It’s so rewarding, and I’m such a better man this time around as a father to young children. It’s so important if you have young kids to pay attention to them. Sounds obvious doesn't it. I always thought I had an abundance of time with them, that they would always want to be a part of my life. But there are so many distractions today pulling you away from that time. Poor routines, work pressures, phones. There has never been a better time to make sure you are leading yourself as a man and father, especially when your kids are young. Because when that time is gone, it’s non-refundable. I talk about this more openly in my podcast, which I’ve linked to below. Be their hero! JB LISTEN TO PODCAST ON SPOTIFY  LISTEN TO PODCAST ON APPLE 

While journaling this morning I was writing about the shadows I've spent my life under. I quickly flicked onto Facebook to find this picture. Perfectly timed! It is now my phone background.