2d ago in General discussion
The Cycle of Sabotage
Insecurity → Coping (sabotage behavior) → Shame → Coping (sabotage behavior)
Self-sabotage doesn’t happen at random. It shows up when we’re growing—or being called to grow—beyond our current abilities.
Maybe the pressure comes from an outside source, like a new job, a relationship, or the life-altering responsibility of becoming a father.
Or maybe the pressure is internal—driven by your own goals, dreams, and the vision of a bigger life.
Either way, growth is uncomfortable. When you’re challenged to become more capable, you’re also met with intense resistance. This resistance has a name: Cognitive Dissonance.
Formal definition: Cognitive Dissonance is the discomfort typically experienced as psychological stress, which can manifest as feelings of guilt, anxiety, shame, or regret.
Put simply, your brain thrives on predictable outcomes, better known as habits, and habits protect you in two ways:
- They conserve energy. Learning something new takes a massive amount of mental and physical energy. Historically, this energy was reserved for survival—hunting, building shelter, and fighting off predators.
- They create predictability. Predictability makes survival more likely. When outcomes are familiar, your brain feels safer. Stepping into unknown territory (even just psychologically) sets off your internal alarms because it could be filled with threats.
So, What Does This Have to Do with Self-Sabotage?
The problem is that modern life has evolved faster than our biology. We don’t need to fight off tigers or hunt for every meal anymore.
But our biological responses haven’t caught up in our modern world, where we’re being hijacked by trivial stressors like the latest marketing tactics to get you to buy shit you don’t actually need or comparing our vacations to strangers on social media.
As a result, many of us have become masters of coping instead of being.
That energy in your body—the same energy designed to help you build, hunt, and thrive—is lying dormant, trapped like a bull in a cage.
If untamed, it can turn destructive.
To keep it under control, men often turn to coping mechanisms: drinking, drugs, porn, endless scrolling on social media, or other numbing behaviors. No judgment. This happens to me, too; we’re just being honest about it.
Recognizing the Cycle of Sabotage
If you struggle with self-sabotage, pay attention to what you’re feeling when temptation starts to build. Are you anxious? Tired? Frustrated? Bored? Overwhelmed?
These emotions are hard to sit with because of how uncomfortable they feel in your mind and body- Cognitive Dissonance.
But this next part is important: these same emotions show up when you’re leveling up in life.
New goals come with new, unpredictable challenges—and that triggers frustration, insecurity, overwhelm, and all other uncomfortable things.
When those uncomfortable emotions hit, your brain looks for relief.
Enter your preferred method of self-sabotage.
This provides short-term comfort but long-term frustration.
Afterward, you feel guilt or shame for doing “the thing” again. That guilt creates even more discomfort, making you crave relief all over again.
And just like that, you’re trapped in the cycle: Uncomfortable emotions → Self-sabotage → Guilt/shame → More self-sabotage.
Breaking the Cycle
The first step to breaking the cycle is awareness.
Because you can’t fix a problem you don’t understand.
So, take an honest look at your patterns. Where in your life are you caught in the Cycle of Sabotage?
Here’s the key: acknowledge without judgment.
This isn’t about beating yourself up; it’s about becoming aware of what’s really happening.
Once you see the cycle clearly, you can start to break it. Because if you’re anything like me, fixing problems is kind of your thing.
Today, I challenge you to sit with yourself.
Take inventory of where self-sabotage shows up. Write it down. Reflect on it.
Because awareness is the first step toward freedom.
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The Cycle of Sabotage
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