Roll reversals and hard lessons. · Mental Load Basics

Roll reversals and hard lessons.

I got sick at the end of January. It took five trips to the ED in a month, to get an inkling of an answer.

I've been sick most of this year. Before then, I carried probably 90% of the mental load.

I came here to understand what that meant and help the hubs. He had to sink or swim real life style, and on the fly. Neither of us really knew what that meant.

When it gets really bad, I can be bedridden for weeks at a time in pain and completely drained of energy. He has to instantly pick up everything I drop, including helping ME now. Suddenly it's all of the mental load I'd been managing, all of the kids stuff, all of the planning, all of the cooking, shopping, driving... etc.

And I am also acutely aware of what it feels like for him and the kids to see me so sick. During those times, I can't eat and I tend to lose a lot of weight... it's scary watching someone waste away and not be able to live their lives... it takes everything I have to make sure I am available mentally and emotionally for my family and in those moments, it's exhausting as much as it is important and worth it. During those cycles of being sick, I rarely even have the energy to doom scroll or watch TV. I mostly think and stare and wish for my life back.

The guilt I carry is enormous. I thrive on being there for my family and missing out on everything sucks to high heaven! I hate it. I hate that I can't pull my weight and do my share. I hate that my bigger kids also have to step up...and maybe grow up just a little too fast. They all worry so much.

I started searching for ways I could help when I got little boughts of energy. It's now a hobby that very much ties into what this group is about. I do everything I can to carry as much of the mental (and SO often, emotional,) load as I can. I used to feel so over worked and overwhelmed and bitter about how much I had to handle. Now I'm a wreck over how much I can't do even when I want to so badly! He has to do all of the actual doing... ALL. Of. It. Cleaning, driving, cooking, shopping, everything. So, the more I can do that I am able to do, the better. Because the guilt I carry is excruciating.

The thing is, I know that in the grand scheme of things, this isn't actually a healthy way to go about things. It doesn't help my family think more for themselves or learn what it takes to be totally mindful of your own life...let alone those of others. There is no user manual for this kind of wrench in the works and I want to learn how we, together and individually, can balance it all out in fair and healthy ways. He can't do all of the things all of the time any better than I can actually carry all of the mental load.

It's all so messy and confusing and this group seems to be the most likely place for some insight and advice. The hubs is so stressed and things are so chaotic. We need help. I'm open to any thoughts, advice, feedback, questions, etc.

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