No this isnt like those videos talking about "how self improvement ruined my life" I just want to tell you guys about a recent insight i got the other day. Ive always thought of myself as somewhat insecure In elementary school, i was never one of the "top dogs". I was small, skinny, weak, weird geeky, nerdy gamer. I had friends but they were anything but high quality. Whenever I got a crush on a girl, the conversations and interactions would always go horribly, because I was so nervous. I could never see myself being a "winner" or a "top dog" My bad social interactions only further reinforced my belief that I was an socially awkward person. Fast forward a couple of years and I discover Self Improvement The videos on good habits, talking to girls, working out, etc. They further built this identity upon me that I was this lone kid at rock bottom. Now I'll admit, a lot of the things I mentioned above were true and some still are. BUT... Through this time of a bad self image, I completely ignored my positives. I look back today, and I see all the things that made me somewhat relevant. I look back at every school year. In every single year I at all times had at least 1 or 2 girls who would constantly laugh at my jokes. I always had some decent friends. I was never TRULY at rock bottom. This completely goes against the identity I had built upon myself. So when I tried to implement some of the social skills I learned online, everything would just seem off. Because I wasn't being me. Because objectively I am somewhat of a funny and charismatic guy, and I didn't realise that until recently, despite my years of stacked evidence. Another problem with the identity I had wrongly put on myself was that I thought I had it for so long. It hindered me and made it more difficult to change (the things that should change, that I still struggle with) It made it harder for me to make progress because I convinced myself that I hadn't made any. Which is absolutely NOT TRUE when I look back now.

- David Goggins Deep down inside you know exactly what to do. You may try to dance around the task and find "easier" or "better" ways, but that's really just fear, and until you realize it's fear you'll be in denial and maybe even hate the things you HAVE to do. Or maybe HATE the person that reminds you to do them. Or hate the person that DOES them. This is a horrific place to be in yet, treasured when overcome. Horrific as in "You're soul will torment you until you do it" or something along the lines of that by Alex Hormozi. This is evident in a discipline pursuit where you know you should be waking up earlier (instant regret when hitting snooze and waking up hours later with hours wasted) This is evident in social scenario's where maybe you KNOW talking to that girl that's been giving you signs (but you're minds saying "oh but what if im wrong") Treasured when overcome as in you may actually realize that all the consequences in your head from doing it happen in a completely unexpected way that you can accept OR EVEN DOESN'T HAPPEN AT ALL. An example from myself (and this really is a small example) is when I switch to a new class of people for my second year at college and saw some new people, and admittedly some pretty girls in the class. Immediately I felt the slight discomfort and put on a bit of an act, I dread that when we do activities that are meant to introduce each other I won't be able to handle it, I dread and FEAR that I'll fuck up, stutter in my words, explode in anxiety, freak out, die? Then... As it all begins to happen with a game to question each other and write down each others names, I start with a dude and his girlfriend, then move to the girl next to them (that's their friend) then the girls from the other tables walk by whilst I talk to a few other dudes. NOTHING HAPPENED. I LITERALLY FORGOT THAT I HAD ANXIETY. Or maybe another scenario where I asked out this random blonde girl in the gym as I was really obsessed with cold approach at that time by saying "I think you're cute, I think we should hit a workout together sometime"

This is really only applicable if you're out of the stage where the popular girls don't think of you as worthless skinny fat loser shit. E.g You're physically bigger, you've shown/demonstrated multiple times you're confident whether that be by answer the teacher's question in a interesting way with a confident voice, or joking around with mates, or being even "the main speaker" so you always say things first, you always initiate the conversations, so on and so forth. This is a mental shift I've made recently, kind of a "shower thought" now that I think of it (you know those insane or billion dollar thoughts you randomly get in the shower or on a walk?) And why I say this is a mental shift is because I still have some remnants of the old "shy and insecure, looked down upon by the popular "hot" girls me". Meaning, whenever a girl would say something to me, or not talk to me much, or not give eye contact, I'd automatically think that they have like a perfect sense of self, high self-esteem, confident and not like "worthless" old me. Another example would be when I was with a girl in one of my classes as a pair (teacher did some goofy ass pairing techniques: "choose someone in the room you've never talked to before" bruh wtf) And so this girl comes and sits next to me (although I have talked to her multiple times before). ;) but what really perplexed me time and time again about this girl, was her unpredictable nature, it was like she wanted to talk to me, but couldn't really. Like, saying something but not looking at me, looking at me, asking me something, hearing my response but not answering that and swapping to doing something completely different. All very kinda fast paced. Until after I made this mental shift, I realised the ENTIRELY POSSIBLE AND PROBABLY REALISTIC realisation that, oh shit. What if she's shy? I mean. Look at me. Hench af. Dressed smart. Loud and confident in the classroom. Shit. I mean. I'd be scared of me? If I was a girl? ??

Saw the girl I liked and nearly got with, with her boyfriend. (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH) Anyways... Sat down in a new classroom for my subject and took a test on the first day, the same girls that I think liked me prior to summer, gave looks. I talked to the literally only other boy that's in my class, catch up with him, joke around in good spirits. Then after lesson, I see another one of my friends that's about to take the test I just did, I tell him the goods. Then, I go into my tutor form (kinda like a subject (not really) that tells you what the school wants to tell you) and it's entirely new. See that I KNOW NO ONE, I sit next to a pillar on a big table on my own, the teacher (nice lad) asks me to sit on the back table because we're gonna to a group activity with a slight "is this okay?" facial expression, I say "yeah" non-chalantly, not knowing what I'm getting myself into. I then grab my stuff and turn around... Table of girls. Fuck. Regardless of this though, I went and made my entrance, doing the group activity, suggesting creative weird ass ideas like people owning more dogs so food can be given to dogs and not wasted (we were doing a teamwork task on waste management), eye contact (made sure of it), relaxed as much as possible, full breath, and so on. Made a good impression there (atleast I think so) Also realised there was actually a friend on the table next to the girl table I was on. That made it a lot more comfortable. Then after that lesson and after the toilet I saw a friend of a friend, accompanied him to get his history books, nice chat. Walked around abit for break trying to kill time. Found couple of friends as break ended, talked a bit. Went into another subject class, talked, joked, even talked about my channel for a while. Went into another subject class, talked, caught up with people. Then when waiting to be picked up after college ended (it was pouring rain, monsoon level) Saw I what I think was my crush I used to have when I was little? now she's in college? didn't get to talk to her. FUCK.

“Instead of spending time getting in the mood to work. Just start working. Confront the work. People think they need perfect conditions to start, when in reality starting is the perfect condition.“ - Chris Williamson (or whoever told him that lol) Point is, motivation comes after you start working. Something to think about if you've been in a rut. All the best, Benji