Do you guys know anything about 'What if' statements and perhaps the relation it was with our subconscious?

After 23 times doing the free audio and 6 times doing the gestalt audio nothing has changed other than me just sitting contemplating what core issues i my have. Nothing has changed for me, in fact i have the least amount of money i have had for ages, i'm in more debt and health wise feel worse than i did a couple of months ago. These audios and methods have no emotional or physical connection for me other than pissing me off that it doesn't work.

So I broke up with my girlfriend a month ago, after a over a year of conventional dialog therapy with a psychologist and trying to figure out if I was the asshole or if I was actually dealing with an abusive girlfriend. I'd been wanting to break up for a long time, but never had the cajones to actually do it. When I was actually able to do it I broke down completely, feeling like a total asshole, and a few days afterward tried to get back with her. Whenever she asked me a question that I wanted to answer honestly my body froze up completely, and I started tensing up and fight my brain on actually saying something. I wanted to speak my thoughts and feelings, but my body would not let me at all. After we got off the phone I immediately went and did a trauma clearing audio because I knew the feelings were at a high intensity. When I got into the identifying portion I went back to being three years old and my mom is screaming at me. She won't stop screaming at me. I'm three years old and don't even understand what she's screaming about, or if this is even a real memory, but I'm curled up into a ball terrified out of my three year old mind. In the real world forty year old me is bawling his eyes out on the floor, furious and screaming back at his mom for being so horrible to a defenseless little kid. I hadn't cried that much in probably five years, maybe ten. I had to pause the recording for ten minutes just to process the whole thing because I was blubbering snotty teary mess. I was able to go back in and send it all away in the tornado, and produce a protective force field, and immediately after the recording ended I passed out in exhaustion on my sleeping pad I had setup on the floor for the session. Woke up two hours later and went to bed. The next morning I felt like I had been released from prison. I was happy and excited about the day, and looking forward to collecting my thoughts on my relationship with my girlfriend and going to an extra therapy session to try and refine them before meeting my girlfriend for a talk about if we were going to get back together. Because despite the crap I've dealt with from her, she actually is a very sweet girl who has a huge level of trauma herself that she has never tried to remedy, and the little girl inside is screaming for the love and safety that she never got as a kid.

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Hey guys, firstly I would like to say I hope everyone is doing great and having a wonderful start to the new year. I have been busy and I want to make this year one of the best years of my life. So you saw the title of this post, so let me explain.. Some of you probably have heard of me and my struggles if you are a part of the body language mastery program. Long story short, I grew up with an abusive dad, a person that sometimes I think is not human. Manages to make my life a misery or put me off my stride when I start to gather momentum. Growing up in that house I was never allowed to have a voice or a personality. He never talked to me much, but when he wasn't happy he would say all kinds of nasty things like your useless, your lazy you should be ashamed of yourself. A part of me thinks that he thinks I am him. Like I can't be a different person. I have been out of his house for a while now which has brought about it's own challenges but it is better to be away from him. But I have seen that I have picked up some unhelpful behaviors from being around him. I grew up quite shy and have a bit of anxiety when around men of his age or in general around people probably because he was quick to lose his shit if I made a little bit of noise or didn't close the door. He is quite an intimidating man to be around and so everyone around him are always walking on eggshells. I have noticed I need to start to stand up for myself more and express myself. If I did that with him, damn he would smash my water bottle or throw something at me. Looking back I think there is something not quite right with him. I feel I have a lot of self doubt and confidence issues. I don't go after things. My mind always thinks the worst case scenario. My mind is my own worse enemy. I feel I am negative at times, maybe from growing up in a negative house. I swear everyone that interacts with him becomes more negative and depressed. Some days I feel a lot of depression, or Why should I even try. Or sadness and misery. I don't like this. People don't want to be around me. I don't feel in the best of moods. Though I would describe myself as being a generally positive person who tries to see the good in everything, though my mind likes to see the negative. Sometimes my mind drifts back to the times I was around him and I think "what a crazy guy". Or "I wish this had not happened to me my life could have been so much better. I think I have a generally feeling of "I'm not good enough" "I don't deserve this." "Others are better than me." I don't want to attract people like my dad into my life ever again.