Feelings of trauma still lingering

Jan 15 (edited) in Self-Hypno & DTTF Help

Hey guys, firstly I would like to say I hope everyone is doing great and having a wonderful start to the new year. I have been busy and I want to make this year one of the best years of my life. So you saw the title of this post, so let me explain..

Some of you probably have heard of me and my struggles if you are a part of the body language mastery program.

Long story short, I grew up with an abusive dad, a person that sometimes I think is not human. Manages to make my life a misery or put me off my stride when I start to gather momentum. Growing up in that house I was never allowed to have a voice or a personality. He never talked to me much, but when he wasn't happy he would say all kinds of nasty things like your useless, your lazy you should be ashamed of yourself. A part of me thinks that he thinks I am him. Like I can't be a different person.

I have been out of his house for a while now which has brought about it's own challenges but it is better to be away from him. But I have seen that I have picked up some unhelpful behaviors from being around him.

I grew up quite shy and have a bit of anxiety when around men of his age or in general around people probably because he was quick to lose his shit if I made a little bit of noise or didn't close the door. He is quite an intimidating man to be around and so everyone around him are always walking on eggshells. I have noticed I need to start to stand up for myself more and express myself. If I did that with him, damn he would smash my water bottle or throw something at me. Looking back I think there is something not quite right with him.

I feel I have a lot of self doubt and confidence issues. I don't go after things. My mind always thinks the worst case scenario. My mind is my own worse enemy. I feel I am negative at times, maybe from growing up in a negative house. I swear everyone that interacts with him becomes more negative and depressed. Some days I feel a lot of depression, or Why should I even try. Or sadness and misery. I don't like this. People don't want to be around me. I don't feel in the best of moods. Though I would describe myself as being a generally positive person who tries to see the good in everything, though my mind likes to see the negative. Sometimes my mind drifts back to the times I was around him and I think "what a crazy guy". Or "I wish this had not happened to me my life could have been so much better. I think I have a generally feeling of "I'm not good enough" "I don't deserve this." "Others are better than me." I don't want to attract people like my dad into my life ever again.

How can I fix this? I use trauma clearings which help a bit but I notice when I work a lot or I'm tired these feelings get worse.

I'm 25 years old now I know I have a lot of potential but overcoming my mind is what will make or break the kind of life I live.

Any advice I would be grateful. Thank you.

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