Who I am being · No Regret Living

Who I am being

Hi, all. December was a whirlwind and I didn't have time to reflect on the insights that began with the You Unleashed program, but I figured it was a good start for January. I got the audio-only but didn't listen to the first December bonus call until over a week after it occurred. I gave myself a few days to mull that over and then listened to the second one. Not long after that was the monthly PCC call, and I have also been relistening to the PCC audios (on Step 2 right now). I have a lot of good momentum.

For some history, I am multipassionate and generally have a terrible time with decision-making and focus. In my first career, I taught French and Spanish, in my second, I was a benefits administrator, and that has morphed into doing payroll, mostly for school districts. But I have always felt like there is something else I should be doing, something that is "mine," perhaps a business that is unique to my skills, interests, and experience. And I have done some entrepreneurial things-- going back to high school when I taught piano lessons, even to adults, I sold teaching aids (through Teachers' Discovery), I've tutored, not just French but ACT/SAT prep, been an Usborne Books at Home consultant, sold on eBay, started a foodie/lifestyle blog that didn't really see the light of day, resold books on Amazon, collected PLR material I haven't really turned into anything, considered course creation, and so on. For the past year (as Magic Hours participants know), I have been following a course to become a feng shui consultant, no so much to become a practicing consultant, but to use feng shui to support my dreams and find my purpose. I started hosting a monthly art night, partly to socialize, partly to hold space for artistic endeavors instead of deciding other things are more important. I fired up my Amazon book biz again, but too slowly to really take advantage of quarter 4 (Christmas) selling, and one night a couple of months ago I purchased a podcasting course. What?! I have not even looked at that yet, and it seemed to have nothing to do with anything (and had not interested me before), but seemed like a necessary leap of faith at the time that I bought it. I started a new [payroll in a private school] job a few months ago and that has been great, giving me much more margin for the other interests, and surprisingly not hitting the checkbook too hard despite the fact that it's only 30 hours a week.

One more piece of info: my mom is an artist. She had some art in a show and her abstract paintings live in the houses of my siblings and me, but she doesn't really do anything with it but make it. For years I have wanted to help her get her art into the world or to collaborate on something and she has resisted. I have said I wished I lived closer to her geographically so I could be her manager. This fall I came up with a new idea of how we could collaborate that wouldn't require her to do the marketing and stuff that she doesn't want to do and that would allow me to use my skills to turn her art into products to promote online. I was going to approach her about it at Thanksgiving and really thought I had figured it out this time. It was going to be simple for her; all she was going to have to do is send me home with a box of some of her art and I would make it happen. And then-- I stopped short. I decided not even to have the conversation with her, after Wendy's day after Thanksgiving call. I realized that trying to combine my ambitions with hers and put her art into the world would keep me from doing MY THING in the world-- even though I don't know exactly what it is.

So, with that as the backdrop, let me tell you what happened-- I'm pretty sure it was already after the first December You Unleashed call, but it may have been the second. On the last day of a gallery exhibit at the school where I work, I stopped by to look at it. The artists included were alumni of the school and staff of the school, not only the art teachers but a math teacher, an assistant principal, etc. As I took in the art, I appreciated the talent, recognized my preferences, took inspiration, considered how I felt-- you know, all the things you do. The last corner I visited had beautiful, very realistic paintings, the kind that you almost think are photographs, and I really liked them, imagined putting one of the northwoods scenes on a wall in my home. I didn't imagine making that kind of art. It isn't my style, generally, and I don't have those skills. But all of a sudden, this popped into my head, "I am an artist," and I felt expansive. It wasn't "I could do this" or "I want to learn to do this" or "wouldn't it be cool if..." It was *I AM.* I thought it was interesting and sort of tried on the thought again, and it stuck.

In the past few weeks, I have tried the thought on in different ways every day and it keeps ringing true. I am an artist. It is who I am being. And it doesn't seem to matter if I prove it by creating art or doing some other creative thing that isn't visual art. Every time I say it to myself, I get the feedback that it is true, and I am also not anxious about what this means and what I have to DO with it either. It is kind of bizarre and I enjoy the wondering and acting from this place of being artist, without feeling like too much hinges on it. I also haven't told anyone; I feel like they wouldn't understand it, or would want to define it a certain way, or or would make it mean something it doesn't have to. I am just holding it gently, myself.

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