A great question today on "changing women"

Hey guys, back from the woods without internet and getting caught up to your questions and Dm's, and thought I would share this with you.

I had a very popular men's coach share with me part of an interview on youtube from another popular psychologist where he talked about "not changing people." To sum it up, he worded it "if you want to love you have to accept your partner." He was asking me what I thought about this and if I agreed with the advice.

Here was my response:

He is making one of those safe arguments that sounds true, is true in some ways, but is also misleading and the reason why red pill guys without game are single.

What he says is true in the sense that you you need to accept who she in terms of her innate traits and with what she is capable of and with how she wants to be. Like if a girl is an extraverted type who loves social events, you shouldn’t try to transform her into someone who abandons her social circles and never goes to social events. Just for example. If you want a girl who is introverted and who would rather stay home than go out, pick a girl who is already that way.

So that part is right and I agree.

Where it is misleading is that people will take this as “Oh, this bad behavior that isn’t conducive of a good relationship is just ‘who’ she is.” Not true. People confuse innate traits with changeable behaviors. That’s where the fuck up is: assuming something is innate when it's just behaviors that can change, or assuming something is "fixable" when it isn't because it is who she is. Is what she is doing based on "who she is," or is it a learned behavior that she would be willing to change?

In the example above, the extroverted girl who likes social events doesn’t need to go out on girls nights, out to boat parties where girls are pressured to offer pussy for access, and to go out and drink and abuse drugs to “be social”. She can go to charity events, join social clubs, or just have a healthy group of girl friends and family that plan and do fun things to be “herself.”

Now a guy might meet a girl who goes out on the occasional girls nights and does boat parties. But she might have a desire to abandon some of the things she does as a single girl in order to be in a happy relationship with the right guy.

Bottom line: is it correct to say “accept her?" Yes, but we have to delineate the difference between “accepting innate traits” and “not accepting bad behaviors.” Accept who she is, but don’t accept behaviors that aren’t within your boundaries or standards. And by “not accepting” that doesn’t mean “nexting” all the time; sometimes it means communicating the boundary and standards and seeing what is fixable.

Without understanding the difference between those two things, this leads to the situation a lot of red pill guys with no relationship game are in; they are basically single and not having successful long term relationships while "nexting" women and being "nexted" by them at the first signs of trouble, and complaining that there are “no good women” out there.

The fact is that most girls have some bad behaviors and things they have developed to cope with poor social conditioning, and the fact that they don’t have the right guy in their life; things that she is both capable and willing to change once she sees the bad behaviors for what they are.

People aren’t perfect, and neither are you and neither is she. And the goal is to become a better person in a good relationship; you and her. It takes time for a girl (and for you) to uncover bad behaviors, take accountability, and change those things. It’s not your job to change her or put up with any nrelationship not worth working towards, and you have to decide if a girl is worth working through problems with. But in every relationship a guy will have to work through some problems within himself and with the girl he is with. And a successful long term relationship requires creating the frame and environment for her to work to do better, and giving a girl an opportunity to change herself. Where guys make mistakes is they don't know when to stay and work through a problem, or when they should leave and cut their losses.

The idea of “accept her the way she is” leads to the fallacy of letting a girl treat you like shit or do bad behaviors because it’s “who she is,” or doing the opposite which is having transactional, short term relationships and nexting girls and being nexted by girls at any sign of trouble. It leaves no room for the in between: setting boundaries and standards, having frame, and letting a capable girl correct things about herself and her behavior to be better for the relationship. And it is in this “in between” that strong long term bonds are created.

What are your thoughts? Where have you been messing this up, or where have you been doing well with balancing acceptance with allowing for change?

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