I guess I'm asking why even

I was here awhile ago and ended up deleting all my posts which is probably what I'll do with this one so no real need to reply just thinking out loud.

I tried to go through the program months ago but stopped because......well some of those "traumas" make me strong. Not letting go of them means I can't be touched, I can't be hurt. I wear a mask all day and people love that mask but they don't know that deep down I just want it all to end. I'm no danger to myself however each night I go to bed hoping I don't wake up.

Due to what happened to me years ago I'm stuck in dead end jobs. In short the state (different state than the one I live in now) came after a professional license on a false change. What had happened was they were mad at my mother and couldn't go after her so they came after me. They accused me of doing licensed work in a city I had never even been to. Unfortunately the way the system is they make you prove your innocence which is near impossible. (The reason is it was not criminal thus the standard "innocent until proven guilty does not apply) I do OK now but I can't find away to not have to work 50+ hour weeks until I'm dead just to get by. I'm bared from having any license. I'm also pretty sure that if I did try to build anything that state would just come after me again.

I haven't dated anyone in years, I stopped even trying. Where I live there is a social stigma attached to guys over 35. I know weird right usually most people associate woman with aging out but it is also men where I live. Girls that are single under 30 won't date a guy over 35 because her friends will give her to much shit. The girls over 35 that are single are divorced and/or have kids. I am not willing to walk into that drama.

I don't have kids and never really wanted any. I have fun when I get to travel back and see my only friend's kids. Wish I could see them more but life happens. On the plus side I have no one that depends on me and thus cannot be harmed if I disappear.

Sorry this is rambling (truth I've been drinking) I guess my question is why continue? There is not a future I can see for myself. With all that is happening in the world I'm not even sure they want a guy like me around anymore.

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