Phd in Procrastination · Mental Load Basics

Phd in Procrastination

I just posted about not waiting for perfect timing. Then I realized that I should probably share some street cred on why I might know what I'm talking about. I mean, here we are halfway through the September challenge and I've just started posting today, so yeah - I guess I tend to procrastinate.

About me:

I'm almost 67 years old and it's taken me nearly 70 years and scores of broken relationships (including with my mom and sister), four failed marriages, some hurtful missteps (by me) in my current marriage (that I'm desperately trying to save and improve) and the occasional 2x4 against my head by the Almighty for me to let a little common sense sink into my brain about how to treat women like the way they want, need and deserve to be treated, instead of my version of what I think is best for them. I can blame it on how I was raised, or I can own my failures and get better. I am (now) choosing the latter. And oh yeah, a lot of my internal talk track that I let drive my failures was all based on waiting for the perfect time to show someone how special they were. Don't do that. Trust me. I'm sharing in hopes that someone can build a better relationship by applying the lessons I've learned.

Here's four things I've learned:

When the important women in your life come to you with something that's important to them: Listen. Don't try to fix it. Don't try to solve it. Just listen. Many times more than anything, they need to feel heard and seen by their partner. If you choose to listen with the goal of hearing and understanding, not with the goal of responding, it will make a huge impact on them by removing some mental load. Try it. It's life changing. And it will reinforce that you are there for them. When they stop coming to you, start to worry.
Understand the mental load they are carrying. We just moved into a new house about 2 months ago. We've been planning, for this for years. It should have been a joyous occasion, but it has been fraught with financial and emotional challenges that were completely unexpected. I'll do a separate post on this. I bring it up here to make the point that on top of all the day-to-day "normal" mental load, a new adventure can heap on top of what's already there. As men in a relationship, I believe it is our place to be a leader. And leadership (to me) is absorbing chaos by reflecting calm. But be careful not to dismiss the challenges and concerns, just have a plan of action to address the challenges. That will put your partner at ease (as long as you have a history of follow through - so make sure you follow through!) and relieve some of the mental labor they toil under.
Not only understand and accept the fact that men and women think and process information differently, celebrate it! Men tend to take in the information, evaluate it, decide on our course of action, and move on to the next thing. It's how we're wired. We really can't multi-task, so it's our defense mechanism. Women do not think that way. For them the decision making process usually occurs while they are talking it out. This means that during the verbal communication of a single thought, if you listen, you will likely hear them raise then dismiss multiple options for dealing with whatever they are thinking about. I wish I could do that, as it typically results in making the best decision possible with the information you have. But I can't. As men, it's work to follow that train of thought, seemingly jumping from one track to the next. It can be exhausting! But do the work. It's worthwhile. And it makes them feel important. And you just might learn something.
Stop defending. Start listening. Very often, we as men hear something from our partner and feel attacked when that isn't happening at all. For example, our partner may ask, "Why didn't you take the trash out like I asked?" We take this as an accusation, when really it's a quest for knowledge. Put yourself in their shoes. They could be simply wanting to know how they could have communicated better, or inquiring if there was a reason. Resist the urge to jump to a conclusion that they are pointing out your failures. If you feel like a failure because they asked, do some reflecting and figure out why that's happening - but leave them out of that conversation! Answer the question honestly and directly, using a loving tone and take it for what it is. Any other response will just create more mental load for them (and you!).

if you've made it this far, thanks for taking the time. I look forward to meeting and interacting with as many of this group as I can. Huge thanks to Zach what he's building. It's good to be here.

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