I was talking with someone regarding people pleasing and he used a a "deserving scale". In some cases we feel we "deserve" something or not. Naturally there is a wide spectrum. We went into some real examples - one being does one eat what is less liked on their plate first and then save what is liked for the last. It was a bit complicated but I could see that potentially in some way I was not necessarily people pleasing per se but the underlying theme was that I needed to do what I did not like before I could get what I liked. This called to mind one of my body work teachers who says - do what you like, when you like, how you like. Anything else is pushing against the law of attraction in the universe. (of course, no harm to others or self). It became apparent how ingrained the lack of legitimacy was for me.

I saw this on linkedin and started to think about how much I say " sorry" in a way that I am really making myself down and feeding into my feelings of not being good enough. The piece I think maybe geared to the workplace but it definitely got me thinking about how to change my language so that I feel more empowered. I posted it here. Sorry, not sorry 9 ways to cut the apologies (and what to say instead) 1. Took a while? : Instead of “Sorry for the delay,” Say “Thanks for your patience>” 2. Your time matters, but so does mine: Instead of “Sorry to bother you,” say “When you have a moment, could you…?” 3. Declining requests: Instead of “Sorry, I’m not able to help with that,” Say “I’m unable to take that on, But I appreciate you thinking of me” 4. Missing a call/meeting: Instead of “Sorry I missed the meeting,” Say “thanks for your understanding. I wasn’t able to join, but I’m catching up now.” 5. Setting boundaries: Instead of “Sorry, I can’t make that,” Say “I’m unavailable at that time. How about…? 6. Follow ups: Instead of “Sorry to follow up again,” Say “Just following up to check the status on…” 7. Made a small error? Instead of “Sorry, my bad!” Say “Thanks for letting me know. I will rectify it.” 8. Taking up space: Instead of “Sorry for taking so much of your time,” Say “Thanks for your time today.” 9. Self-Confidence: Instead of “Sorry, this might be a stupid question,” Say “Here’s a question that I’d like clarity on…”

thanks Laura - for me this rings very true. For some time I was saying sorry for almost everything - I had attached it to something I had done "wrong" at least I thought it might be wrong. The other word I have been eliminating is "try". That one came from a teacher in 2007 who everytime someone in class would say "try" she would stop and ask the to rephrase. It was astonishing how often the word is used and how it doesn't usually work. Another word for me is "hope". Bruce: what are your take on these words?

Hello all, As well as the Netflix series After Life with Ricky Gervais which I thought was brilliant, I would also add the HBO series Somebody Somewhere with Bridget Everett which is also about grief and also shows good examples of reacting from a memory

Thanks everyone for the great call. Got me thinking about this orienting principle. Sometimes we have to see if we can "find it in our heart" to do something, for example, for our parents that we don't want to do. There is a place for grace here, where you can be surprised by unexpected generosity, an unexpected heart opening, that shifts you out of "should" and into choice. On the other hand, sometimes our relationship with a parent who has hurt us and never showed capacity and/or interest in getting real and getting closer, is over and has been over for years / decades. It's sad and all there is to do is grieve. If we are the only one left to do the caring, then give what you can, establish clear boundaries, and come into full acceptance of the situation - which also shifts one out of endurance. It's not fair, true. But life isn't fair, and that is also something to accept.