This is so beautiful! I wrote quite a long response to your previous post, but lost it when I accidentally refreshed the page 🥲 most of the sentiments you shared during your "mini breakdown" are ones (nearly word for word) I hold myself, I felt like I finally saw someone else going through the same existential bewilderment I have been experiencing. I knew this was an inevitability for you, as you were actually facing the problem and bearing its weight upon your shoulders and I expressed such in my response; I am super happy and inspired to hear that the clouds broke open for you and you finally saw clear sky after such a strong storm. I hope you stay in this group and share what develops, as this is my favorite thing to witness in humanity; the inklings of actualization, brothers and sisters starting to articulate their unique signature of Logos. The world needs more of this, and I pray you hear its beckoning! Blessed be!!

@Adam Smith I also know the cringe feeling, but when we can't hold it in any longer (sometimes the coal is too hot and our hands are not yet trained to hold such heat), some channel must be there for that energy to vent through. If we do not have a support system around us equipped to understand and hold such existential questions, then some other channel will be found or made. I'd say better to let it out here, where others may acknowledge rather than judge, such as may happen in the twitter/X void. I really appreciated you sharing, as I had no knowledge of others who were asking the same questions. I'm doing alright, I haven't found the answers to my inquiries yet, still in the Dark Night, certainly. I remember I did some processes to increase me in wisdom and understanding, and this seems to be the Ordeal that I must pass through to attain unto such. So I am garnering all I can from such sentiments as you expressed, and many similar. Grist for the mill, one could say. I am finding great value in this value prism, but it is quite a bit of work, the way I am doing it. I am having to question all of my base drives and desire structures, having to penetrate to the center to find the words to articulate what truly drives me. Feels like prying a steel door open at times. I find I am having to move through this hopeless nihilism rather than out of it; I have to take it all in and separate its components and alchemize them through the flame of inquiry. And then I have to articulate the base components/elements into something that retains their psychic integrity. The value prism really feels like an alchemical process, I actually think I should accompany this exercise with the study of alchemy. It may lead to profound insight. But yeah, still working on articulation! I know what you mean by feeling broken though, this is one of the biggest challenges in my current and past experience. Plagues me every waking hour. So having to sit with this feeling of brokenness and hopelessness and explore it is quite a challenge, but one I am up to meeting step for step. I would love to hear how you navigate your feelings of brokenness such as you expressed when you were asking why others can change and why you seemingly cannot!

I have been struggling with rising out of bed when I wake up, I bought a watch that tracks my sleep cycles and shocks me until I do 20 jumping jacks and my tired brain finds its ways to bypass even that; I have lost countless sunrises, hours, and even more birdsongs because of this. I have not been in a shame cycle any longer, I feel I uprooted that; but there's this sense of dread (reminiscent of the depths of depression) that still washes over me where I think "god, not another day of this shit" and "what in the hell do I even start with?? Too much to do!!!" Or "there's really nothing worth being awake for" when I damn well know there's infinite reasons to be awake for Life. I haven't yet been able to find the fix and it has been plaguing me for years, now. I feel like this is the boss battle I keep losing and that keeps me from moving up a level.

@Trinley Goldenberg I used to not at all, now it is probably 60-70% of the time when waking up. And before bed, I usually use the phone to listen to a teaching at night after getting home from work and then to set my alarms and use the FitMind app. And the computer I use Obsidian to write at night. Always use blue light blockers and night mode, though. And no social media after 10, usually. Slowly cutting it back to 9:00 as well.

To be clear, he was doing these all at once. I tried warning him to slow down, but he perceived that as a "low vibration" 😅 but trying one thing at a time and approaching scientifically, definitely leads to a new relationship with one's mind. It's quite plastic given the proper conditions to facilitate plasticity.

@Jordan Tan if you want a very good breakdown and teaching from fundamentals to practice to advanced theory, Jason Louv would be a great (if not the best) place to start. He has videos on YouTube and classes on his magick.me platform. If you want the classic book that helped kickstart the whole movement, Liber Null/Psychonaut by Peter Carroll is another great place to start. I personally haven't really been using much of it in terms of practice, but it informs a dynamic philosophical backdrop with which one may interface with their reality tunnel. But even a philosophical backdrop is no substitute for taking an unconditioned "approach". I am more and more averse to systems of thought as time goes by, but ironically that is sort of in line with the philosophy of chaos magick. But hey, whatever you feel interested in, follow that!