I sat with this one for a while, moved to the next ones, then went back to the very beginning and rewatched all the modules because I felt like I was missing something and not fully getting it. After that, I realized I was stuck at self control. I realized I was using the self control statements to try to get my kids to behave without traumatizing them, to parent a better way, say the right things to get them to turn out right, etc. But it was still all about them. Almost manipulative even. Not about me. So I’ve been considering all I have autonomy over, for myself, and I’m realizing that feelings of helplessness/not having autonomy/not having a voice are so ingrained. As a child I often didn’t have automomy, but as an adult now I do. Trying to have compassion on that part of myself but see the truth that I have freedom now and act in that empowerment.

This has affected every aspect of my life, not just parenting. Small example- this is funny but shows how deep this goes. Our family cat started peeing on the rug out of nowhere. Nothing medically wrong with him. He’d keep doing it, I’d keep cleaning it up- this went on for so long. I grew more and more irritated, just wishing he would stop, thinking there’s nothing wrong with you, why won’t you just go back to using the box like you always have. Just wishing he would stop, waiting for him to stop, feeling annoyed every time I cleaned it up. After this module I realized, I have autonomy over this. A- I can get rid of the cat. B- I can get rid of the rug. C- I can get creative. I wanted option D, for him to just go back to how he’s always been, not going on the rug. But that wasn’t a choice- because I don’t have autonomy over the cat’s actions. So often I am like my kids- I want option E, not A or B, so I just sit there and whine about it and stall in inaction. But really I do have options, and a choice, even if I don’t like my choices. Options A and B were not things I wanted to choose, so I chose C- got creative. Put a litter box on the rug in that area. And guess what, now he goes there. An option I am happy with even though it wasn’t my first choice. This concept has truly been life changing in every area. It seems so common sense, but if you have grown up with very little autonomy it is earth-shattering 🤯

For 5 & 7yo, often we will have work/something less preferred followed by something fun like a show or activity. They would take forever doing the chores slowly, and I would continually tell them to stay focused, work faster, etc because we would need to start the fun thing at a certain time in order to be done in time to leave to pick my husband up from work. I’d get increasingly frustrated with their slowness and they hated the nagging. Now I set a timer for a reasonable time for the chores, in a place where all of us can see the timer count down, and just tell them I will turn on the show/start the activity when the timer went off. And then do my own thing, not worrying or saying anything if they stop working or are playing. I give them one reminder ‘the timer has 5min left’ and then start the fun thing once it goes off. Sometimes it’s just me watching the cartoon or doing the activity 😆 Then whoever is not finished with their chores keeps working till it’s done, then they join. Sometimes they only have 2min of the show left or miss the fun completely- but they are starting to choose often to get it done on time on their own. I’m so much lighter not nagging, and I get to leave on time ☺️ which was a boundary I needed. And it’s so matter of fact- no drama, no nagging, no resentment

I have a very spicy 3yo and the A&B choices have helped with transitions. Example- she’s playing and it’s time for dinner. ‘It’s time for dinner. Do you want the blue plate or pink plate?’ ‘I don’t want dinner! I want to keep playing!!’ ‘Blue or pink plate- you decide or I decide’. At first this made things more explosive- she wouldn’t decide or would keep debating other options so I would move forward and decide. But now she has learned we aren’t going to stay stuck there and I will choose if she doesn’t, so she very often decides. She’s started using it with me- ‘mama do you want to do this puzzle with me, or read me this book? You decide or I’ll decide’ 😂

So sad I missed it also! Would love that. Got out of our routine with Monday being Labor Day😆

@Rebekah McKenzie this is so insightful! I relate to this so much- thanks for sharing

@Jennifer Inman so good!! Thanks for sharing a practical example! Going to try this with my son at bedtime!