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Why do people think that taking drugs and alcohol is the only way for them to feel authentic and themselves?

I had a weird experience yesterday. I wanted to clear procrastination, but immediately in the hypnosis session, I got off track. My crown didn't want to open to let in the waterfall of light. I've never had this issue before. So I paused the recording and waited. Then I saw a fairy pop out of my head and open the crown, and the light poured in, but then the fairy fell back in, with the light, and my crown closed again. I talked to the fairy and asked who she was. She said she was me, and I asked if she was my anima. She said yes. I went down a trail of questions and responses until some inner voice told me that I was some word beginning with N, with women. I can't remember the word, but there was an emphasis on it. It's weird that I can't remember the word. It meant something along the lines of horrible though. Maybe it didn't even begin with n. Sometimes I can get stuff like that a little mixed up. But anyways, I thought "Why am I being told that I am horrible with women and always have been? That's not very constructive or useful" but then I asked "Am I speaking to a negative subconscious belief within me?" and I got a yes. So I asked why it was here, and it said because my parents didn't love each other or me. I felt like I was too much in my rational mind though, cause I had to make sense of what these inner-voices were saying, and I didn't know if I was just making it up and if it was ACTUALLY my subconscious. So I just stopped. But funny that I started trying to cure procrastination and then things shifted over to my anima and the topic of women. I wasn't planning on tackling that right now, I was planning to tackle procrastination first to make it easier for me to get things in general done, but also get the rest of the hypnosis done quicker and more easily. I also got the feeling that I needed to go through a rite of passage of some kind.