May 28 in General discussion
Revealed Preferences
## “Revealed Preferences” might be the single most transformative concept I ever learned. No other idea has ever changed my life so drastically.
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I learned the term when I was 24. I was living in a place I didn't like, with people I wasn't fond of, working a job I didn't love, or at least thought of as being beneath my potential. so this idea hit me like a ton of bricks.
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The idea that I might actually like it, or that this way of living served some psychological drive or met some need, was extremely jarring. I would go blue in the face telling people how much I didn't like this. Could this concept explain why I was staying there?
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Turns out, it did. Mortified by my motivations being explained so simply, and embarrassed at how I'd been deluding myself, I tried to take the next step—asking myself what I really wanted.
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Did I want to live there forever? Did I want to keep company with these people for the rest of my life? Is this the work I felt I was supposed to do every day? No. But I was acting like the answer was yes.
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I had to reckon with the idea that I needed to change. If this way of living suited who I was right now, fine. But I didn't want to be this person forever. So I had to consciously change those things.
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At the time, I was still reeling a little, so I equivocated. I said, well, I'll change what I do and where I do it—I'll move and start a new career path. But I'll bring some of these people along with me. That should've told me something, but the psyche resists change.
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It would all be for naught anyway, as the pandemic lockdowns happened just as I was planning to move. The best-laid plans of mice and men, you know. So, in a certain sense, I was doing everything right as I tried to wrestle with who I was and who I wanted to be.
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I probably would’ve ended up ditching those people at some future point, but fate gave me a shove. After the lockdowns, my plans were in tatters, so I made new ones while equivocating even more.
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These plans blew up in such a catastrophic and undeniable way that I was faced with a startling truth: not only was I not who I wanted to be, I wasn't even who I thought I was. I slipped up following my own code. I made big mistakes. I did not, in fact, have it together.
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Whenever people discuss Freud’s death drive, I see the same questions/people not understanding the same concepts. Basically, “but why would I have the desire to destroy myself?”
The answer is simple: you could walk over the Coliseum if it was only two bricks high.
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When nothing about your life makes sense, “growth” seems too scary, and your self-concept is seriously brought into question, self-destruction looks reeeeally good. Rock bottom is already threatening you, so you might as well do it on your own terms. And that’s what I did.
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For several months, I just wallowed, and to be honest, I enjoyed it. It felt good to sit at the bottom and know I could fall no farther. I was a failure, I had gotten deeply acquainted with my problems, and the shitstorm I was in didn't seem to be letting up anytime soon.
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I bitched and moaned. But that revealed preferences idea came up again—is this where I wanted to be forever? Licking my wounds in perpetuity, thinking of my character as some closed fate I could not escape? Certainly, my problems got me here, but would they keep me here?
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I decided that no, I was not going to live and die this way. I might not win, but I was going to fight. With the help of my friends and a therapist, I kept myself upon the rack— “What do you want? What are you acting as though you want? Are you man enough to change?”
And the answer was yes, I was. I gnashed my teeth and bitched the whole time, but I kept throwing myself into the things that scared me, all the while asking myself those same questions. And I rediscovered the control I had over my own fate.
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If there’s one idea I think all my creative work boils down to, it’s this: your life is not a closed loop you’re trapped in. It is as much in your hands as anyone’s. You owe it to yourself to change as much as you need to in order to create the life you want.
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A word to the wise if you’re thinking of reevaluating based on these principles. If you start asking “what does the way I’m living tell me about my priorities? Why am I not living my dreams?” Your impulse is going to get wildly creative coming up with excuses. That’s normal
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“But capitalism,” “but my parents,” “but my idea of who I am-“ No Buts. Know what affects you and how, but analysis is no substitute for action.
These are the cards you’ve been dealt, and the dealer is not going to deal again. Play the hand you have.
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The good news is this: you can change your life. I’m a two bit idiot from Arkansas. The only thing that separates me from anyone is that I’ve developed the nerve to look myself in the eye and see who I am. Anybody can do that. It just takes practice & asking the right questions.
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Revealed Preferences
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