* Meet your energetic self * Understanding the present through the past * Charting the course forward

So bear with me! Haha! I'm watching the replay of my video and I'm like no...no...and NO! Hahaha!!!! It's long...so thank you to anybody who loves me anyway. Around 05:00 I really got into the proper flow! Anyway....let me not be FEARFUL....so here it is! I'm so excited for today!!!

Wrote this yesterday yet was hesitant to post… This may be a bit long and I usually would never share anything like this about my life especially on social media as I don’t want to vent; yet since I’ve chosen to go by Authentic Man Stan, I’ll be real with you beautiful beings on here as I’ve been trying to be active and positive amidst some emotionally turbulent times in my life… My day started off really positive as I woke up at 5am here in Hawaii, awaiting the 7am live here - doing my homework and waiting for all you energetic beings to make me feel Alive as I was excited/inspired to create content all morning. Then my dad woke up. He got extremely hostile towards my mom about almost running out of water as we live off grid in the jungle and he is using food stamps. So I suggested I’ll pitch in and buy some water to just please him with the little money I have as I haven’t worked for the past few months due to surgery which is why I’m staying here... An argument broke out then my dad got mad again over another little thing and started cussing saying why not spend more money on me and a plane ticket for me to go back to LA and back for my Dr, blah blah blah - then he was silent guilt tripping my mom and I the entire day. Finally, he cooled off. At first I felt like a burden not having money as my dad used to tell me I was worthless piece of sh*t and other hurtful things especially after dropping out of UCLA and on leave from work in Beverly Hills as I’m relying on my parents at 30 years old, yet I know I’m better than how his attitude used to make me feel… I’m just reminding myself that my dad is not in the right space mentally and just not to engage with him with my own wants and needs at this time/trying to please him. My parents are constantly complaining about one another when I’m with just one of them, it’s just emotionally exhausting at times… I thought I did a lot of work to help myself heal from childhood issues/trauma, although I’ve begun to deal with it better and in different ways than I used to.

Here’s the link for my video - Please let me know if it works or not. https://youtu.be/7mXQw0OjXE0 Journal prompts- The feelings that came up were around self doubt, lack of faith in self. The second thing was I can do this. Then the 3rd was OMG you look cross eyed Luke, you cannot post that video. The stories which came up in my mind was the challenges I had faced when I was younger. When pushing Tim into new boundaries I’ve always doubted myself because of the words I heard for many years. “You won’t amount to anything” “shut up you haven’t a clue” “you do more damage then good” I can counter these thoughts but there is still restriction and influence I allow these to place. I don’t allow it to hold me back forever, but it does for a short time where I could actually be doing what I want. I get worried I won’t look or say the right thing and that can overwhelm me anya time due to having a background with bipolar, borderline personality disorder, ADHD and PTSD. But I also know that makes me perfect to use myself as examples of what you can change and learn about self.. My letter to self. You are a completely different person to what any of them will ever know. You’ve took away all your excuses to push yourself through and past all previous comfort zones and now you’re living the best way you ever have. 10 year old lukey, 16 year old lukey and 22 year old Luke are all so proud. You didn’t believe you would ever make it this far…but you have and I love you for that. You’ve faced every challenge with openness and won each time don’t allow any other obstruction to keep you from the experiences you seek. And because no one may say it. I love you Luke 💙