Dec '23 in People Mastery
When People Hold Grudges...
Here’s how I get through to them.
A grudge is a persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury.
It involves harboring negative emotions, often anger or bitterness, toward someone due to a real or perceived wrongdoing. When people hold grudges against us, we might think that they’re being unreasonable and irrational. From our point of view, they should just “get over it” and “move on.”
Let me tell you, that’s not a helpful attitude to take towards the feelings of others—especially if they are people that you love or care about.
Lingering grudges have destroyed friendships and devastated families!
We don’t want that to happen to us, do we?
But if the communication is not clear and strong, it is bound to happen.
You’re not powerless in this situation but you’re also not able to magically change their mind.
Here’s what I did.
Using the power of self-reflection, I discovered that the best I could do was change my reaction to the resentment and anger that accompanied their grudges against me.
Because they were angry with me, I would attack and fire back with hurtful words so that I can hurt them in the same way I was feeling hurt.
But that hasn’t resolved any of the grudges.
There were no benefits of me getting angry because they were angry.
I had to step back from the situation and reflect on what kind of relationship I wanted.
I really wanted to be connected to them finding joy, fun and excitement in being with them.
I realized trying to force them to “get over it” or hurt them for being angry with me wasn’t helping.
The most powerful move I had was (and still is) to change my behavior.
Not only is it the only person I can control but when I made changes, the people around me had to adjust.
When I stopped giving the fiery anger that they’re giving to me, they would run out of steam, calm down and talk.
That is how I broke so many patterns in my life.
As for “getting through” to people who hold grudges.
I find that people who close off and hold grudges have been hurt themselves.
They simply want to protect themselves from more pain. The fiery display of anger helps keep the perceived threat at bay.
To help them stay cool, try becoming curious about what they are saying.
Taking interest in them helps them feel safe enough to share without running away, throwing a fit, or closing up.
By taking interest, I mean allow them to express how they feel without your judgment.
I've had success with this in my family, but it’s been years in the making and is not all pretty and easily done.
It can feel quite exhausting and emotionally taxing.
I recommend that you endure the emotional outlash of a fairly new and very small grudges/disagreements rather than family feuds and fights that originated years before you were born.
It’ll be easier to remain curious and open minded.
✨ Is someone holding a grudge against you that you’d like to resolve?
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When People Hold Grudges...
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