How To Win Friends & Influence People (Part 1)

Jul 30 (edited) in Self Improvement & Motivation

Have you ever noticed how some people just seem to have this magnetic pull, making friends effortlessly, getting noticed, and always knowing what to say in any situation? It's like they've got this secret social superpower, right? Well, I think I stumbled upon their secret weapon, and it all comes from a book that’s almost 90 years old but still totally relevant today: How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.

Seriously, this book is a classic for a reason, even presidents, CEOs, and those super-popular kids everyone wants to be friends with have read it! It's packed with practical, actionable techniques for building better relationships, becoming a more effective communicator, and just generally becoming more likable (who doesn’t want that?!).

The Currency of Appreciation

Remember that feeling you get when someone gives you a sincere compliment, like when a classmate says, "I loved your presentation, you were so confident!" or when a friend genuinely admires your latest art project, "That’s amazing, you're so talented!" It feels incredible, right? Like your heart does a little happy dance. That warm glow, that boost of confidence, it's not just a fleeting emotion. It's a reflection of a fundamental human need: the craving to be appreciated. Dale Carnegie recognized this universal truth: we all want to feel important, recognized, and valued. It’s as basic a human need as food or sleep.

But the problem is, most of us are terrible at giving appreciation. We get so caught up in our own worlds, those upcoming exams, that drama with our friends, and the never-ending pressure to succeed, that we forget to notice and acknowledge the good in others.

Imagine if we shifted our focus. What if, instead of criticizing and judging, we trained our minds to look for what’s awesome about the people around us?

It doesn’t have to be something earth-shattering. Maybe it’s a classmate who always helps out in class, a teammate’s dedication to the basketball team, a friend’s unique sense of style, or even that person who can always make you laugh. Those qualities are like gold, and by recognizing them, you’re not just giving a compliment; you’re making a deposit into the emotional bank account of a relationship.

Sincerity is Key!

Nobody wants to be showered with fake flattery. It’s like getting a wrapped gift box with nothing inside – all presentation, no substance. Authentic appreciation, the kind that truly connects, comes from a place of sincerity. It’s specific, it’s genuine and it makes people feel seen.

Dale Carnegie nailed this when he wrote: “Flattery is telling the other person precisely what he thinks about himself.” It’s a cheap imitation of the real deal, and it usually backfires.

True appreciation comes from the heart. It's about taking the time to notice what we admire in others and expressing it sincerely. Instead of just saying "thank you," try "thank you for" and explain why you're grateful.

Instead of the generic, "You’re a good student," try, "You really aced that history presentation, I was so impressed! I loved how you connected the historical events to current issues." It’s specific, it's heartfelt, and it shows you were actually paying attention.

Serving Others is Self-Serving

The beautiful paradox of sincere appreciation is that by focusing on others, on making them feel valued, you inadvertently create an advantage for yourself.

Dale Carnegie, a master observer of human nature, perfectly captures this truth: “The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage.”

This isn’t just some feel-good philosophy. It’s a practical strategy. Think about it: if you’re known as the person who uplifts others, the one who always brings a positive vibe and makes people feel good, they will be naturally drawn to you.

Criticism is a Weapon (Use it Carefully… or Not At All!)

We've all been there. Someone criticizes our work, our choices, and maybe even our whole personality. It stings, right? It’s like an emotional punch in the gut. That defensiveness, that burning sense of injustice – it's a natural human response. It’s like adding fuel to the fire; it makes that negative energy explode.

That’s because, as humans, we’re hardwired to protect our egos. It’s this fragile little thing inside us that craves importance and validation. When someone attacks us with criticism, our first instinct is to defend ourselves, justify our actions, and even counter-attack. We’re not thinking logically; we’re reacting emotionally.

Dale Carnegie understood this human tendency way back in the 1930s when he wrote How to Win Friends and Influence People. He saw it over and over again, from petty arguments to major historical events.

He shares this story about Al Capone, the infamous gangster, who actually believed he was a public benefactor despite all the violence and crime he orchestrated. Even "Two Gun" Crowley, a dangerous killer, wrote from his hideout, “Under my coat is a weary heart, but a kind one - one that would do nobody any harm.”

The point is: that people rarely see themselves as the villain. They have a story, a justification, a reason for why they do what they do. And when we criticize, condemn, or complain, we're not changing their story, we're just adding to the conflict.

Think about it, if even notorious criminals like Al Capone didn’t see themselves as the bad guys, what makes us think we can change someone’s mind by attacking them with criticism?

Here’s what usually happens:

They get defensive. Their walls go up and they’re less likely to listen to what we’re saying, even if we have a valid point.

They feel resentment. They might smile and nod, but secretly they’re holding onto that hurt and anger, and it could bubble up later in a not-so-pretty way.

They don’t actually change. Criticism might make them feel bad for a moment, but it rarely inspires lasting change. They’ll probably go back to doing whatever they were doing, maybe even more determined to prove they’re right.

Instead of condemnation, Dale Carnegie suggests a radical approach, one that takes some serious self-control but is infinitely more effective: try to understand people. Ask yourself: "What could be the reasons behind this person's actions or perspective that I might not be aware of?"

Maybe that classmate who's struggling in math is going through a difficult family situation, is overwhelmed with extracurriculars, or has a learning style that’s not being met in class.

By asking this question, we shift our mindset. Instead of instantly jumping to judgment, we create space for empathy. It doesn’t excuse bad behavior but it might make it more understandable (and it will definitely help us communicate more effectively).

Kindness is Contagious!

What if, instead of a culture of criticism, we fostered an environment of understanding and encouragement? It could transform our school from a pressure cooker into a more collaborative, supportive space!

Think about the teachers and classmates we admire – the ones who create that positive energy, and who inspire us to learn and grow. They probably get it. They’re not just handing out A+s; they’re encouraging effort, recognizing progress, and making us feel like we matter.

So, next time you feel that impulse to criticize, take a deep breath and choose kindness. You’ll not only make someone’s day but you might just change their perspective (and maybe even your own).

Ready to learn how to become the most likable person in school and a master conversationalist (even if you’re secretly shy)?

Stay tuned for Part 2, where I’ll share six game-changing techniques from this book that’ll transform your social game!

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