Drugs like amphetamine and cocaine are amplifiers of various human behaviours. In the drug enviroment where users have been using for a while the behaviours boils down to near-primal things. One thing I see every day are people using some (often made up) negative event to justify for them selves any behaviour they see fit to get what they want. Some have had this way of doing things for so long that I personaly dont think these particular users have any concious influence over their own behaviour. The very start of this escalating thing is usually some actual trauma that was never adressed properly or at all. It looks like a pattern that repeats more and more frequently, from maybe creating scenes or having situations once a month, to, over time, several times a day. There are many other behaviours like this and I'll write some more about it later. 🙂

If its internal things from your childhood thats been hindering you, it is very important to accept this and deal with it properly. I didnt even know exactly what was my problem, but I could never keep a mental thread for long enough to realize any plans. I could plan, certainly. But few days later it would be as it never existed. This and drug addiction kept me in practically an animal state of being. Like a dog. No thought on the past and no abillity to hold on to something into the future. Heres what changed things for me, the compressed version 🙂 In January, 2012, I was subject to an attempt on my life by these three guys. I live, obviously, so its all good. But in the months and years after, I became more and more sensitive and emotional, like in a stupid way, looking at a couple holding hands on tv or some touchy feely stuff you know like brothers hugging etc. And I thought like, wow what a delicate flower I'm becoming, and just sort of laughed it of. After like 2017-18 it got so bad so I could not go outside. I would just break out in tears for anything and it was not cool. I try to use logic and I understand that something wants out. So eventually, in 2020 I think, I reached a point where something absolutely had to give. So I jumped in and let it all out. Its the most confusing emotional madness I've experienced and it lasted a good ten hours. Just waves and waves of agony, sorrow, shame and loss and crap. When I woke the next day, it took me a while to notice but it was like a wall had been pushed out in my head and now I was actually able to think and sort my toughts, and even keep a plan alive over time. Mental resources was now available for me to use, that my brain up til that point had used to hold all that stuff inside me hidden. I am a work in progress, for sure, but now I can make the decisions instead of being just a walking reaction. 🙂