Is my child manipulating me?

This is a common concerns for parents of children around 3-6 year old.

They cry, or whine, but you can tell it is different from their normal cry.

So what's really going on?

Are they really manipulating you? Should you let them to do it? Or could there be some other explanation of their behaviour?

I coached a couple on this very issue last year.

They had a 1.5 year old son, and a 5 year old daughter.

The daughter would be playing quietly by herself, and the parents with the son.

But once the daughter noticed the parents playing with her brother, she would begin to cry.

The father felt she was being manipulative. He would begrudgingly relent and give her attention, but felt conflicted about if he was enabling some kind of negative behaviour.

If we take the definition of manipulation as "getting someone do something without them realising why", then yes, you could call this kind of behaviour manipulation. But it is unintentional manipulation.

The little girl sees her brother getting attention. She feels left out. She wants to be included - the underlying need.

What tools do she have available to her to meet this need?

Well, based on her age and brain development, not much. If you read the book recommendation I left in an earlier post (The Whole Brain Child), you'll know that children under 6 years old find it very difficult to regulate their emotions, and often need a regulated adult to synch up with them before their rational brain comes back on-line.

So in this moment of feeling left out, the girl is reacting emotionally.

She reverts to a tried and tested way of getting attention from her parents - one that has been reinforced through years of habit. She cries. It's totally normal.

If the father was to respond by saying "well I'm not going to let her manipulate me into giving her attention" he does two things. Firstly, he fails to meet her need. And secondly, he doesn't give her an alternative method of meeting this need.

Instead, I offered this explanation..

"She is trying to get her needs met in the only way she knows how. It is normal for children this age to do this. Until you teach her another way, it will likely continue."

Here is what I suggested.

Step 1 - Empathise

"Oh! You're upset."

Step 2 - Recreate and Validate

"You saw us playing with your brother and you felt left out. Is that why you are upset?"

Step 3 - Connect

"Come here. We want you to be with us."

Step 4 - Teach (once calm - this might not be in this moment. It could be that evening, or even the next day).

"Do you remember when you were upset and felt left out? Next time, if you feel that way, you can just tell me - Dad! I need some attention - and then I will know what you need. Will you try that next time instead?"

This will likely take some practise and time.

Let me know your thoughts.

Is this something you've dealt with before?

Do you agree / disagree?

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