Jul 20 in General discussion
The struggle
I’m going to put this out. Not to condone any actions I have done or look for attention or hope. but to be brutally honest about me and who I am and let all of you know even at the loneliest hardest times you are not alone in your walk or your struggles.
I’m not going to go over all the “trauma” of my past just know there was a lot of it mostly sexual and throw three combat deployments as a flight medic in plus a few years as a fireman law enforcement officer and paramedic I think many would get the basic picture.
I love my wife. We have been separated for some time now. I struggled with adultery. Significant adultery.
I got back from Afghanistan and some thing happened I’m not sure what but I started cheating. That was in 2016. I didn’t stop. I tried to run only to find I was living in shame. I had broken my back in combat in Iraq and had to have rods placed in there. This caused pain. I choose alcohol over pills because I figured that was okay. I wanted to support my family and be a good man and not get caught in addictions. I could never let go of my shame though. It festered it grew. I kept cheating. Not as much but it continued. I was diagnosed with Crohn’s and hospitalized more then once. I got fired as a fireman for refusing the vaccine and then as a sheriff for adultery.
I was lost broken and had nothing. My family and all the honor I thought I had went down the drain. I wanted to kill my last and almost did so. I ended up in inpateient treatment in Utah at Deer Hollow (amazing program) I got out and though I had a chance to repair my marriage and tried. I did well and had no issues but my wife wasn’t ready. We are now separated and she has asked for divorce.
After she asked for a divorce i made the choice to sleep with another woman again. Foolish.
After that I realized in my heart what I was doing and who I was. I had not been a good man. I had tried but my actions spoke otherwise. I drew a line. And i promised for id never cross that line again. I pray daily i see josh sometimes more then once a week. And I dedicated my time to celibacy and becoming a son of god.
It hasn’t been long. As these things take so much time to heal. But what I can tell You is my crohns for the first time in 5 years is better and i haven’t been taking medications. Struggling with pain has been so depressing. My wife was willing to take a step forward and come to counseling for the first time. I put all my sins on the table and owned the things I had done. (Didn’t go great but the hardest conversations never do initially)
For the first time in years inahve started to feel peace In my heart and I have never felt it before.
I am ashamed of what I have done and who I was. But as I accepted the past as things I can not change and focused on being a better man today and tomorrow and to turn those things over to god and be a son to him. I can say with out doubt that my issues did not get better until I truly repented and turned it over to him.
Everything i have been through, experienced done. The guilt of the men I could not save in battle. Or the mistakes I made as a medic that cost people lives. Nothing has been as hard as this. It was the deepest darkest hole I had been in. I can tell you Brothers with god there in your heart only then can you truly start to heal.
It ain’t easy I don’t know what the future holds for me And my marriage but there is peace in my heart.
I love you guys stay strong, wake up in the morning and realize you are not fighting the things of this world but satan who is attacking consistently and relentlessly. Never give up and never give in.
God bless all of you. Love you guys.
Quinn
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The struggle
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