I have nothing to write today...
I have been sick for the last 5 days with the most serious of colds... Influenza A. So this is my attempt to 'demonstrate' some level of productivity. Even when I lied in bed with a resting heart rate of 80bpm (my normal range is 45-50), I struggled to let myself simply 'rest.' In my own feverish state, I was telling myself... 'Even though I'm sick, I can still think of ideas! That's still working!' This was at 3am, when I could feel my heartbeat in my skull, and I had to wipe sweat off my body every 5 minutes. Somehow, I drifted off to sleep. When I woke up a few hours later, head still throbbing, shirt drenched, I woke up to the 'dream' of missing my alarm for work. Despite turning off my alarm the day before, my body was still conditioned to 'waking up' at 4:30am to make sure I get to work on time. Years ago, I used to think this was a good thing. It was a 'badge' of some sort to never miss a day at work. And to be able to 'turn up' even when I was tired. Now that I'm 31, I realise the futility of this thinking. Because overall, I've been sick for almost 9 weeks in a row. I first started feeling sick mid May. I am about to finish my medication by the end of July. It is this exact mentality - the attachment to productivity, that is getting my body into trouble. I am by no means old, don't get me wrong. I am physically fitter than most people in this world. But even I have pushed my own needle too far - to the point where for the first time in my life... I was concerned for my body. Most of us in this group are 30s+, and some of us rely on our bodies for income. For me, I am a coach and a lot of my work involves teaching movement. My physical health is almost directly proportional to my ability to generate income. So I am incredibly sensitive to the perils of ill physical health. My job isn't even heavily physical either. I just teach and move around all day. I don't ever lift anything heavy. There are people out there doing physical labour as their main work.