David May

(I hope this is the solution) 04.11 There is only two months left of the year. Holy shit, a bunch of stuff happened. And it doesn't feel like it's been that long. But... yeah, where am I right now? I don't know. It almost feels like I am below the person I used to be at the start of this year. As a matter of fact, the past few days have been some of my lowest points. I feel so much and so little at the same time. Chatgpt said I should slowly introduce good habits again and rebuild myself like that. I think it is generally good advice, but I am not a normal healthy guy. I can't have balance. I just can't. It makes me into what I am now. Because essentially, a little bit of pleasure turns into more, it always does. You can't expect an ex alcoholic to go a night out drinking and move on like everyone else. My life is black and white. I am either a lazy comsumer, or a disciplined creator. There IS NO BOTH. And I need to fully accept this now. FULLY. I need to stare at my fucking wall and accept the fact that I am supposed to live in the trenches. Because as long as I think that I can have some sort of balance in my life, I will fall back. And I'd logically rather live trough the pain of discipline than the pain of regret. But I need to fully subcome to that fact. I need to embrace the fact that I will never again in my life consume. And sure, there are some social events and stuff you can do, my friends are actually beginning to be kinda based too, so we don't just do stupid bullshit. But I should really have slept last night. Also, going for a walk or bicycle ride is completely acceptable. Because it is rest. Rest done right. Rest rather than consuming. The mind sorts itself out rather than being blocked. I need to dedicate myself to accept my fate. It's the only way. And I have lived like that before. You get used to it. But this time, when I think of coping or doing the bad thing anyways, I will remember: I am supposed to live in the trenches."It’s not about deprivation but about embodying a mindset where discipline isn’t suffering; it’s fulfilling in a way that consuming never could be."