Hi all, I've been a member of this group for some time now and when I became a member, I had no idea about my autism. I've recently been diagnosed. Now, most of the things Dan posts here I find totally logical I can totally comprehend the concept, but something is holding me back to execute the behaviour properly. I mean, I've improved somewhat. I notice I can be in serious conversations with my girlfriend now, about stuff she isn't happy about in my behaviour, and I can last longer before I shut down or get angry and stop listening. What I have learned so far about autism is that most people have a totally over-reactive nervous system. People tend to feel overwhelmed and or anxious without interactions with others...As soon as a perceived criticism is felt, this may well lead a meltdown or shutdown. So... My question here is, perhaps more to those who identify as autistic or neurodivergent in a different way, do you think steering away from nice guy behaviour is genuinely more difficult, compared to neurotypical people?

Hey VIPs, here's the agenda for our next workshop (this evening), let me know if there's anything you want to add Mental barriers - how to overcome... - Responses don’t come to you quickly / need time to process - Fall into the defensiveness trap without realising - Start cool, but gradually escalate - Background stress makes you sensitive - Think "If I don’t address this now, bigger problems later" (reputation, precedence, expectations) - Rumination (your response bothers you long afterwards) - Attached to accuracy / need to correct their “truth” / teach them a lesson - Caring too much what they think Practical tips - Non defensive (unreactive) vs defensive (try to convince them) - Assertive (enforce boundaries) vs aggressive (controlling) - The pause - Stare down - Cold shoulder, - Change topic - “Oh you!” - Agree that THEY believe it - Yup - Double down - Ask them to repeat it - Curious about motives - Confusion about their morality - Advanced tricks

Most nice guys don’t ruin their marriages by being selfish. They actually ruin them by being helpful. I know this because I’ve done this. Right after my daughter was born, my wife was suffering a lot physically, and I relapsed really hard into being a fixer. This created a massive disconnect between us. While I thought I was helping, I was actually controlling. I was trying to prevent her from having emotions that I found uncomfortable, and that made me build up a lot of resentment too. If you’ve ever walked into your house and felt like you’re having problems dumped on you the minute you walk through the door, that your help is not being appreciated, that the intimacy and your sex life have faded, and you don’t know why this happened or when it started, this interview with relationship coach and intimacy expert Monica Tanner is going to help you sort that out. We’re going to break down something that men completely misunderstand: the difference between fixing and supporting. We’re going to have a look at why resentment builds and how it destroys marriages and relationships, especially for people pleasers, and we’re going to explore how this creates an environment that is not emotionally safe, which is the leading cause of intimacy and connection problems later down the line. Monica is going to help us unpack the chain reaction: how fixing leads to expectations, which leads to resentment, which leads to intimacy issues - and what you can do to break out of the cycle. So get a pen and paper ready, because this episode is absolutely packed with practical tips from someone who really knows what they’re talking about… If you prefer written content, click here to keep reading the full written version on Dan’s blog. Or click on your preferred option below: - Watch on YouTube - Listen on Soundcloud - Listen on Apple Podcasts - Listen on Spotify - Listen on Amazon Audible