Salem, 19yo, med student, I need advice

I am turning 20 this December. I've always been a brilliant student, I've always been what people called lucky and I didn't struggle with sled doubt or motivation. When was I 17yo I took the national exam which was necessary to get to uni and med school, it wasn't tough for me to get med school level grades, what I aimed for is to sacrifice an entire year and become the best in the entire country. I worked like a mad man with every ounce of intelligence and dedication I had, at the end the result was underwhelming, I was in 0.1% but far from the best, I felt robbed of something I was the only one willing to sacrifice enough for. There's was no redoing, I got chucked into med school, I was confused and didn't know what to do pretty much, my self doubt destroyed me, and physical laziness and weakness made me an absolute disgusted of myself, I barely passed the year while people I was far ahead of were doing better than me I was disgusted by myself. Second year, I recovered, I got into bodybuilding (which I became obsessed with, I'm now making a lot of progress) and studied better and ranked better, but still I self sabotaged enough to reach my full potential, there are nights in which I want to kill myself for the guilt I feel for not trying as hard as I know I could be. I am not happy with my life in third year, it's the same pattern repeating itself. I used to think I'm strong mentally but I'm fragile, I admit it, I have self doubt, people who I used to be better than I look at them now as unbeatable rivals. I hate myself, I also try to build skills which I can eventually monetize in the online space but bad time management makes the progress stall. I don't know what to believe in as fact. I need you to tell me, what mindset shift do I need? What do I tell myself? How do I just stop the self sabotaging behavior and put my all in once again.

3 comments