Emotions, gratitude, exhaustion, renewal…

So this has been a super emotional week. I am a nurse and also a person in recovery from drugs and alcohol. I am a few months over 5 years sober, and in a very stable place where I no longer fight with my sobriety.

In my work as a nurse, since February I have been working directly with our outpatient detox, addiction medicine, and mental health patients. This week was a heavy one, both personally and professionally. I have so many people near me on the brink of insanity, which I love to look at as an opportunity to make a huge shift in being, provided the right support is given.

I have had anger over the way a sick person is manipulating my broken hearted friend, and it has been so much easier to take my hands off and perceived need to control, and truly wish her freedom from her suffering that causes her to grasp on and manipulate.

Today I had three very different detox patients. The look in a patients eyes when I say hey, I’m in recovery too, and I KNOW how hard it is for you right now… it’s magic. Because they genuinely believe me, and I get to watch this huge wall melt away before my eyes as the playing field is leveled. As I sit in front of them as their equal instead of a power dynamic of patient and professional. It’s almost as if the shame and guilt lightens and for even just a moment they have hope. I can FEEL that energy shift in the room. The words from 90% of them as soon as I say that is “so you know! Thank you!” They know I don’t have to disclose that information. I am not required to do so… but to see the expansion, and see them just, brighten. To see them feel that connection and stop holding their breath as I get to hold space for them. There is nothing like it. I am able to be fully present on a deeper level since beginning this program.

I also know that I cannot control the outcome. I know that some of them will die. I know that I can only reach my hand and heart to them and help them try to find their footing, and I know that I can’t fix them. I can only give them the tools and love and kindness that I was given. I get to work for the people who helped me, the same doctor and NP to whom I first told the truth when I was homeless and hopeless and desperate to not kill myself in addiction.

My best nursing today was also the hardest moment… we sent a woman to the hospital and I had to tell her… if you go home and drink you will die. Her organs are failing, her brain is boiling with ammonia, and I just got to stay by her side and hold her hand and tell her that I know she has it in her… because I believe she does. Because if I can come back from where I used to be, ANYONE can do it. I remember that pain of fighting that war in my head and losing every time. I remember that isolation… people look right through us like we don’t even exist. I know what it’s like to walk as a living ghost. I don’t know if I will ever see her alive again. I know she made it to the ED. I know there is a plan to go directly to a treatment center for more than 30 days… I don’t get to be in charge of if she follows through with this plan. I know she began. I know she does not want to do this anymore. I know she came of her own free will to get help from us, and has accepted the help so far.

I know I showed up in exactly the right manner because I know the gifts of being alive are always right in front of me. What an honor to be let into lives in the way I get to be let in. What an honor to get to help people with the very team that helped me save my own life. I don’t know why I get to be sober, and to be free to move through life no longer at war with my own soul. I do know that after a tough week where for a moment did not want to be a healer anymore, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the beautiful life I get to live. It’s not glamorous. I don’t make a lot of money, but I am free. I am excited about just being alive. I was doing well before this program, but even before drugs took everything from me, I never believed it was possible for me to love myself, let alone just be in awe of existing. This experience so far has been the tiny push I needed to surrender a little more each day.

I am in awe of the universe, and completely humbled by the magic and love and connection that is truly the makeup of our existence, even on the hardest days. I am So grateful for you

@Justen Martin

for helping to pioneer this project, and to help continue to educate and expand the access to psychedelic medicine. I have literally been in tears of gratitude all day long. Yesterday I was tired, and today I am renewed, and the difference between yesterday and today is that I just chose to show up and try again. Sometimes, the most magical shit happens at 2:37 pm on a Monday afternoon, but only if I show up.

I don’t have a particular topic, but this is my experience and I couldn’t think of anywhere else I wanted to share it. Thanks for reading my experience.

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