Homework Week one: My story - Healthy Boundaries

My well-meaning mother would frequently express to me exactly what she thought of me being over weight when I was weight challenged. She would tell me how I “should” lose weight, and I “should” do whatever she says, because well, she IS my mother. As the years went by, I began to realize these conversations were really hurting me emotionally and brought up feelings of unworthiness. These type of one way conversations were putting a strain on our relationship. I dreaded our weekly calls and constantly felt I had to “defend” myself and her responses left me with a feeling like whatever what I would do, if it wasn’t the outcome, she thought it could be, then I failed, thus, I felt like a failure.

In an effort to find a way to help navigate this relationship and my hurt feelings, I began researching how to build healthy boundaries in relationships. In my strict family we were always taught to stay quiet and respect your parents, so how could I express how I was feeling to her. On our next call, mom began her disparaging thoughts about my weight again, I decided to set a boundary, and it worked! I began to explain that I am the one who carries my weight, I am the one who looks at myself in the mirror and I didn’t need to her to remind me of this EVERY TIME we talked. Mom says, she was only trying to help and I had to tell her she wasn’t helping, she was hurting and that if she wanted to have a relationship with me, then this topic was going to have to be off the table. After a few minutes, she reluctantly agreed and while I had to remind her several times about our mutual agreement because she was crossing that boundary I created, I am happy to report this was successful and our relationship is better today because of it! I had to draw that one boundary, make it clearly defined and with conviction and then I could begin having conversations with her without being anxious or uptight about “when” was she going to bring it up again.

Some people, especially family members may feel obligated to tell you your faults and project some well meaning tough love. Sometimes it may be warranted but other times it oversteps the boundary of loving and caring for you and moves to trying to control or manipulate what you to, how you think or how you feel. The first step in recognizing inappropriate boundaries and identifying where you could benefit by developing some healthy boundaries with those you care about. In my program, I can help coach you and guide you through steps so you too can begin to recognize your relationship boundaries, and build and foster healthy boundaries. My program will give you the tools and resources you need to begin having those conversations, because you are worth it! By doing these things you will experience a sense of peace, build your self esteem and confidence and feel your needs and feeling heard and understood. You will learn how to tap into your true self and help teach others in a respectful way, how you want and need to be treated to have open and caring relationships with others.

14 comments