May 18 in Troubleshooting
why is it so hard to change
its been a couple of days since i did the group session with trinley
i realized maybe the thing im pursuing isnt really what i want so i spent a couple of days exploring that
and i figured even if it wasnt what i wanted, it still doesnt explain why i waste the entire day on doing nothing but scrolling and distracting myself
i even made a pledge to myself that im free to do whatever i want to do , i just dont want that feeling of dread and distraction , i dont want to feel like i wasted the entire day, in my eyes even spending the day on video games is still a level up for me because i already spend the entire day literally just sitting in front of the computer watching stupid shit or reading stupid shit
i know this isnt the case because i wasnt like this when i was a teenager for some reason , i always had something interesting to do
yet now as an adult, i have nothing , and i dont know why
i see other people , online and in real life, doing the things i want to be doing so effortlessly, and i almost cry
how come they dont battle with themselves
how come they do it so easily
how come they have what i dont have
how come they are living the life i disparately want yet i cant reach
whenever i see students for instance posting cool projects theyre doing or someone irl doing something cool not even related to studies my heart just pounces
i know that at some level this is atleast partly what i want ,
yet its so beyond my reach like i can never bridge the gap
are they simply smarter than me? or somehow non broken like i am ? or something else going on?
when can i finally be free to be me , to do what i want , to do what i say i wanna do
its been years and the ache have only grown
i dont understand why is it so impossible to change
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why is it so hard to change
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